Why I have been unable to blog for a week.
Forgive me if this post is a little disjointed; I feel disjointed.
Regular readers will know that I try to blog on a daily basis and may have noticed that I haven’t posted for a week. Sadly, the reasons for this are not particularly upbeat; I haven’t been spending time on my Caribbean superyacht or anything like that.
This time last Tuesday I was surprised to see a helicopter at close proximity to my house and suspended motionless above the river that runs at the end of my garden.
Wifey and I went out to find the helicopter was directly above a slow-moving package, bobbing gently towards us on the receding tide. (Yes it’s a tidal river).
It took me some time to determine the package was in fact a body, and on its gentle saunter came within metres of us on our decking overhanging the river.
The helicopter tracked the body further down stream where on each side of the bank were scores of uniformed folk and dozens of blue flashing lights.
This is where it got weird for me.
I felt utterly unmoved at the sight of this. Although, I was thoroughly disturbed at my lack of disturbedness.
Something must have been going on in my mind however, as at 3am I was online looking for the potential identity of the body and it didn’t take me long to find out.
Putting a name, photo, age, and so forth, to the body suddenly humanised and personalised it for me. This was a young chap and upon my investigating he appears to have lost his job the day he went missing; nearly a week earlier.
I moved from unfeeling and uncaring to absolutely gutted for him and his family. I suppose all we can do is pray for the family and please do spare them a thought in your prayers.
On reflection, there’s no doubt that this incident played some part in ‘triggering’ me mentally. I think I was already a little vulnerable and since that time have experienced the full gamut of mental sickness: Paranoia, hallucinations (both auditory and visual), gut wrenching depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, the full works.
And this all brings me to the reason for not blogging.
Aside from that fact that when in the grip of this mental whirlwind, nothing I read online seems interesting or blogworthy – do I just perceive everything as boring, or is it objectively boring? – do I really want to blog from inside my sickness and bring everyone down with my woes and madness?
The answer is no.
And it’s on this note that the excellent Time for Change website has a piece which superbly gets to the heart of using social media when mentally ill and articulates why I would rather stop blogging when in the midst of a severe episode, than depress the life out of everyone..
…..But I decided that I could not censor myself when it came to my health. I needed to be as honest in the online world as I am in person. And also, that I wanted to post about my mental health just as I do about most things; with humour, irreverence and a hint of provocation.
Unfortunately, it would seem that this method does not meet muster with all who have come across my posts on social media. I have been advised to, ‘be careful’, about online activity to stop wagging tongues.
I have a naturally sunny disposition and I’ve found that this is the case for many with mental health problems – warped and black humour does prevail. I don’t wear my misery like a badge of honour for all to see: I smile, I laugh and I joke.
This isn’t because I’m not ill, it’s because I am trying to get better. Depression is a self-perpetuating cycle so the more miserable you are the more miserable you will become. I aspire to be more Tigger than Eyeore. I try not to burden the wider world with my worst moments of abject illness and seek the positive spin where I can. The usual response to self-declaration of my health problems is, “I had no idea… you always seem so happy!”
So when I tweet, “well done me, today I did the washing up *pats self on back*”, what might be more accurate, would be “well done me, today I did not kill myself”. When I post a Facebook update saying, “had a lovely day with my gorgeous son”, I’m may be saying, “I just about got through the day like a normal person. Don’t think my son spotted that I’m angry and anxious and fearful of the day he realises his Mum is a mess”.
So yes, this ‘honesty’ is still a mask but it’s as much a mask of protection for me as it is a buffer for the world. I don’t want to drag people down or make them worry about what on earth they can say to me because I seem so distant and desperately ill. I want them to be able to tell me the picture of my iced birthday cake sunny-side down made them spit tea, that my anecdotes always make them smile, or that they too cry when they watch, ‘Parenthood’, because the dysfunctional family is just so familiar.
I can’t make you feel what I feel when I’m ill and I wouldn’t want to. So when I have moments of fun and clarity I like to celebrate them and share them. I’m sad that this makes some people question my honesty and my sincerity but my ‘friends’ who feel like that can’t know or respect me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop me caring what they think…
So the simple (ha!) solution is that I should be more maudlin and intersperse my brief forays with normality with more periods of introspective analysis and overt depression. Let art imitate life. But where is the fun in that? And wasn’t social media invented for socialising? Let me have my small moments of joy, please. Just because I’m smiling on the outside, doesn’t mean I’m not crying inside.
Tags: Christian Life, Mental Health
September 3rd, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I think that would be enough to disturb many people. My prayers go out to the person, their family and friends, and all those (like you) caught up in this tragic event.
September 3rd, 2012 at 8:33 pm
The numb feeling is you going slightly into shock. It’s nature’s way of ensuring we can function in dangerous and distressing circumstances; and of course it wears off, later, and you get the reaction. I’m sorry you had to witness that.
The moral of the story is to stay away from police cars and helicopters; by definition you don’t want to be involved in whatever nastiness they are dealing with.
Quite right not to blog when feeling down, and still less when feeling ill. If you blog when drunk, all that happens is that the alcohol is talking. Similarly when “under the influence” of a chemical imbalance, or the blues, or whatever. It isn’t *us* blogging any more.
And we all have a duty not to drag each other down accidentally. It’s not our job to depress others. We have the BBC to do that for us.
Get well soon.
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Our prayers go out for the family of that poor individual, his soul and you too Stuart. It is hard to recall that together we were at that very spot just weeks ago commenting on the tranquillity of that stretch of the river and our beautiful county. It is at times like this that we must believe that He is there to help us.
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:34 pm
You’re human just like the rest of us. Your insights matter, eventhough we disagree on a great deal of stuff. Keep blogging.
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:36 pm
Sorry to hear you have been so out of sorts, Stuart. But glad you are blogging again in your usual irrepressible style!
Prayers promised both for that poor man and his family, and for you and yours.
September 3rd, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Sorry to hear about this. Please be assured of my prayers for you and your family, but also for the man in question — may he rest in peace.
As for the dissociative episode, if that’s what it was, I wouldn’t worry too much. It is common for all people (whatever their original mental state) to switch off and not feel anything, to go into a blank and so on, when faced with trauma / extreme emotions. Of course, with those of us who suffer types of mental illness that affect our emotional stability, then ‘numb’ or ‘blank’ responses to an event can (and often do) open the floodgates for other emotions (unrelated to the original happening, but related to past traumas).
I never really share this with anyone, but not one day has gone by in the past 15 years without my having suffered from suicidal ideation — sometimes so severe that I cannot move, let alone blog, but usually to the extent that I can blog or write, and use opportunities to type and engage with others as ‘distractions’ or ‘therapy’. I also suffer the other things you mentioned, although — and this is the painful bit — most people seem to think I don’t. In fact, I told someone about a condition I suffer from the other day, only for him to laugh at me — he didn’t believe it as I don’t present as someone that fits into his assumptions about mental ill health. (We normally call that ‘prejudice’!)
I understand your concerns about blogging whilst in a state of crisis, and think it’s a good sign that you can recognise the need to protect yourself and others, and then decide to switch off the computer…
Never feel that you have to blog, but never feel that you shouldn’t either.
God bless.
September 4th, 2012 at 12:10 am
Life throws these things at us sometimes and we all deal with them in different ways. Giving yourself time to get on top of things again is the right thing to do. There are plenty of people who will stick besides you all the way and the one who will do it the most is God. Sorry if this sounds patronising but you’re never own your own no matter what you’re going through.
September 4th, 2012 at 10:03 am
Sorry t hear that this had such an effect on you Tony. Understandable.
September 4th, 2012 at 7:31 pm
You mention Time to Change but not The Elephant in the Room on Facebook where I spend a lot of time.
Peer support for people with mental ill-health.
And the day that someone tells me that Christians don’t experience it is probably the day I give in and commit murder — no, of course I wouldn’t but I’d be wanting to!
A belief in Christ as your saviour doesn’t shield you from the normal trials and tribulations of life!
God bless you and keep you safe.
September 4th, 2012 at 7:33 pm
A hearty Amen from me Hazel…..
September 4th, 2012 at 7:45 pm
You’re welcome. Do come and join us on The Elephant. It really does help in times of stress – which I’m not at the moment, just trying to give something back.
September 15th, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Why don’t you just give up blogging and give us all a rest! What drivel you and your cronies turn out. For God’s sake get a life!
September 15th, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Mr/Mrs/Ms Smith – the author of this blog is using his own time to do something he wants to do. Whereas you appear to be spending your time, reading a blog that you think is a waste of time. Don’t you think this ironic?
September 19th, 2012 at 10:44 am
Ironic?…one of the ‘cronies’ may think…moronic?