Sure-Fire Atheist Rapid Response and Defense Manual and Cookbook

(3)  If the enemy uses quotations or historical reference points, ask him where he got them from.  Be careful, because he might have got them from somewhere.  If he responds, say “Like you know everything, right?” Or, “Who agrees with you?”  Remember: the point is to fluster, disorient and win.

(4)  Multipurpose Global Utility (Straw-Man) Argument: If  you think he and or she does have an argument but you can’t quite understand it, go to page 33: “How to Use a Straw Man.”  The Straw Man defense is a sure fire destroy-all toxin that will paralyze the enemy. Basically, it is the same as a six year old saying “You made it all up,” but sounds much better.  Plus, you don’t have to explain anything about where he uses it.


(6)  If you find that a website is “moderated” say that it violates the fundamental right of Free Speech guaranteed to atheism in the Constitution. It is what our atheist forefathers like Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin and probably also Abraham Lincoln and Shakespeare fought and died for, or would have died for if they’d had to. Not publishing our comments is a form of defamation (p. 67) and discrimation, which is forbidden by all relevant anti-discrimination laws: see p. 80, “All Relevant Anti-Discrimination Laws).

Accuse the enemy of running his blog site like a Gulag.  Badger the enemy repeatedly saying “Where is my comment?”  ”You don’t believe in free speech, do you, you arrogant stuffed pork pie, ” or “No wonder your pitiful little site gets so few hits; you run it like North Korea.”  If he shoots back some irrelevant comment about all your exampes coming from atheist states like North Korea say “That’s just what a pompous, boring, pork pie would say.”

(7)  The art of the quibble:  Throw the enemy off balance. Coordination is everything.  Nothing is too small for a quibble (rhymes with nibble).  And almost anything counts as a quibble: For example asking for page numbers, correcting grammar, and wondering if the enemy is jealous of Richard Dawkins’s unparalleled success as an atheist writer are good starts. But if he gets scrappy,  move on to statistics, as in “You say that atheism is in decline; I’d like to know how you know this?”  ”You say that religion is responsible for the preservation of learning traditions and the rise of universities; can you give me an example?”  Be ready to say “I didn’t think so,” or “Gotcha” while he’s thinking.

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8 Responses to “Sure-Fire Atheist Rapid Response and Defense Manual and Cookbook”

  1. Tim Says:

    That’s really funny. Like they say, there is many a true word spoken in jest and a huge amount of that article mirrors my experiences with these ‘New Atheists’ too.

  2. webmaster Says:

    Tell me about it Tim. I chose the ‘moderation’ issue as it’s soo true. You’d think bloggers had a legal obligation to publish comments. And of course, when we don’t, we’re obviously suppressing freedom of speech and are secretly terrified of their insightful and cutting wisdom.

  3. Simian Says:

    Thanks for introducing us to Hoffman’s blog Stuart. He seems to relish playing devils advocate, and hits the mark uncomfortably often! I think he rather enjoys the notoriety of being a contrarian atheist – criticising any supposed atheist who he does not think is worthy of the title.

  4. Writing your own “Atheist manual and cookbook” at Roger Pearse Says:

    [...] Via the eChurch blog I learn that secularist scholar R. J. Hoffmann is getting a little fed up with some of his atheist co-religionists.  In this post he [...]

  5. Hunt Says:

    That’s not the reason moderation is a despicable practice. It’s because every time you filter a comment, a little part of your soul dies. Some don’t grasp this immediately and some never do, but it is true.

  6. Marvin Says:


    Is it a proportion of your remaining soul that dies, or a fixed amount? If the latter, an enthusiastic moderator would be in danger of ending up with no soul at all!

  7. Hunt Says:

    I guess it depends on how much soul you start out with. I think it’s true that bloggers who moderate probably don’t begin with much.

  8. Simian Says:

    If you enjoyed this Hoffman post you have to check out his latest one: “No More Virgins*” t:
    It manages to be both hilarious and deeply disturbing at the same time, particularly as the Daily Mail runs with an apparently factual story that looks remarkably similar. How can intelligent people possibly think these things?

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